While my goal list for 2012 wasn't an epic fail, one cannot call it a huge success either. I figured as 2012 ended and 2013 began I'd be full of excitement, hope and resolve and while I did feel all of those things I wasn't overwhelmed by it all. More than anything I was just extremely grateful that 2012 had finally come to an end. So far all I've felt for 2013 is... dread. Maybe that's what I feel, maybe it's not but it is the word that came to mind. I'm not 100% sure what "it" is exactly but if you asked me how I felt about 2013 all you'd get is an unceremonious "meh".
While it is a new year, it is still marked by Nathan's passing. Side note: Can we agree that passing is a dumb term. Unfortunately, it's the most polite word I can come think of. Anyway... Friday, the 18th marks the 1 year anniversary of his suicide and it is tainting things more than I thought it would. Normally I am excited for January. It is my birthday month, after all, but this year I don't necessarily feel like it is MY month. Not with the 18th looming all big and rudely right after my birthday on the 17th. It sort of takes all the fun out of it all.
I do suppose after this year it will be a bit easier, the taking back of my birthday and my birth month. I will always share it with Nathan and this unfortunate event but I'm guessing it won't always be so hard. The first anniversary of anything is always a big deal. After that it just sort of because a "normal" thing, I guess. Mind you, I don't object sharing my birth month, week, whatever with Nathan but I do mind the fact of why we now share it. Sadly, no matter my objection, the reasoning for it cannot be changed so I just have to find a way to accept it and find a new way of looking at it all.
I honestly didn't start this entry with Nathan and his suicide in mind. I had more or less planned on talking about my reasoning for not having any resolutions this year or making a list of goals this time around. Somehow it's snowballed and I have lost the structure I was aiming for. Anyone ever wondering why I don't update as much as I used to or in general... this is why. It's a big ol' rambling mess up in my brain and it is getting harder and harder to figure it all out enough to articulate it onto here, or anywhere else for that matter. Journaling has not been my strong suit in 2012. My personal journal is sadly bare of most happenings of 2012 and there are a few things that really needed to be written about.
Back to my original point. I decided to not make any resolutions or goals for this year. Really, what is the point? All we ever do is forget about them, half ass them, or become bored and quit. More so than not only a few months into the new year. The best resolution, and the only one infallible is making the resolution to NOT make a resolution. That, my friends, seems to be fail proof. Which of us who has ever made the resolution to NOT make a resolution has failed and been all resolutiony the rest of the year?! Yeah, that's what I thought, thank you for backing up my point.
I thought about just making a general resolution, something like "To live bravely" but ultimately decided against that. I feel I managed a bit of that statement last year but having lived almost a full 35 years on this Earth, I've come to realize that there is always fear. No matter how brave we become or are, we always have some small amount of fear. It doesn't always stop us but it is there and it does affect how daring we are as we live out our own definition of bravely. I know I didn't say "to live without fear" but to be brave you have to silence the fear you hear and so it's not just about being brave to me anymore; it becomes about being brave and silencing fear and that just seems like too much of a specific resolution and no longer makes it a general resolution.
Yes, this is what my brain is like all day, every day, 365 days a year. Welcome. Yeah, I don't blame you for not wanting to grab some popcorn & pulling up a comfy chair.
Really, it's not all doom and gloom over here but it does seem to be spewing all over this post right now. Sorry to be a bit of a downer.
My goal for 2013 is to survive it, and to hopefully do it with some sanity intact. I don't see that as a resolution because it is something that has to be done. I don't know how else to explain it but it just doesn't seem like a good candidate for being a proper New Years Resolution.
I dread the fast approaching month of March. There are many things crowding up the calender for March, most of which are happy, joyful events. I will welcome a new great nephew and I will see two people I care about get married. But clouding the month of March is the fact that (as of today's date) it is still the month in which at the end of it Irish goes back to Ireland. Depending on how things go and how hectic they get at the end those happy March happenings may not be something I get to fully share with Irish. That seriously makes me sad. That cloud has always been looming over but back on the warm summer night after Irish and I first met it just didn't seem so dark.
So with January now being what it is and March/April being what it will be I find it hard to happily looking forward to 2013. I will admit that even with the first 3 or 4 months of 2013 looking gloomy they are far brighter and better than those beginning months of 2012 and I am delighted by that fact. I am. Really, I am but I would love to not have a "but" at the end of that and I guess that is where I am getting suck.
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