Welcoming 2013... or not.

While my goal list for 2012 wasn't an epic fail, one cannot call it a huge success either.  I figured as 2012 ended and 2013 began I'd be full of excitement, hope and resolve and while I did feel all of those things I wasn't overwhelmed by it all.  More than anything I was just extremely grateful that 2012 had finally come to an end.  So far all I've felt for 2013 is... dread.  Maybe that's what I feel, maybe it's not but it is the word that came to mind.  I'm not 100% sure what "it" is exactly but if you asked me how I felt about 2013 all you'd get is an unceremonious "meh".  

While it is a new year, it is still marked by Nathan's passing.  Side note: Can we agree that passing is a dumb term.  Unfortunately, it's the most polite word I can come think of.  Anyway... Friday, the 18th marks the 1 year anniversary of his suicide and it is tainting things more than I thought it would.  Normally I am excited for January.  It is my birthday month, after all, but this year I don't necessarily feel like it is MY month.  Not with the 18th looming all big and rudely right after my birthday on the 17th.  It sort of takes all the fun out of it all.  

I do suppose after this year it will be a bit easier, the taking back of my birthday and my birth month.  I will always share it with Nathan and this unfortunate event but I'm guessing it won't always be so hard.  The first anniversary of anything is always a big deal.  After that it just sort of because a "normal" thing, I guess.   Mind you, I don't object sharing my birth month, week, whatever with Nathan but I do mind the fact of why we now share it.  Sadly, no matter my objection, the reasoning for it cannot be changed so I just have to find a way to accept it and find a new way of looking at it all.

I honestly didn't start this entry with Nathan and his suicide in mind.  I had more or less planned on talking about my reasoning for not  having any resolutions this year or making a list of goals this time around.  Somehow it's snowballed and I have lost the structure I was aiming for.  Anyone ever wondering why I don't update as much as I used to or in general... this is why.  It's a big ol' rambling mess up in my brain and it is getting harder and harder to figure it all out enough to articulate it onto here, or anywhere else for that matter.  Journaling has not been my strong suit in 2012.  My personal journal is sadly bare of most happenings of 2012 and there are a few things that really needed to be written about.

Back to my original point.  I decided to not make any resolutions or goals for this year.  Really, what is the point?  All we ever do is forget about them, half ass them, or become bored and quit.  More so than not only a few months into the new year.  The best resolution, and the only one infallible is making the resolution to NOT make a resolution.  That, my friends, seems to be fail proof.  Which of us who has ever made the resolution to NOT make a resolution has failed and been all resolutiony the rest of the year?!  Yeah, that's what I thought, thank you for backing up my point.

I thought about just making a general resolution, something like "To live bravely" but ultimately decided against that.  I feel I managed a bit of that statement last year but having lived almost a full 35 years on this Earth, I've come to realize that there is always fear.  No matter how brave we become or are, we always have some small amount of fear.  It doesn't always stop us but it is there and it does affect how daring we are as we live out our own definition of bravely.  I know I didn't say "to live without fear" but to be brave you have to silence the fear you hear and so it's not just about being brave to me anymore; it becomes about being brave and silencing fear and that just seems like too much of a specific resolution and no longer makes it a general resolution.  

Yes, this is what my brain is like all day, every day, 365 days a year.  Welcome.  Yeah, I don't blame you for not wanting to grab some popcorn & pulling up a comfy chair.  

Really, it's not all doom and gloom over here but it does seem to be spewing all over this post right now.  Sorry to be a bit of a downer.  

My goal for 2013 is to survive it, and to hopefully do it with some sanity intact.  I don't see that as a resolution because it is something that has to be done.  I don't know how else to explain it but it just doesn't seem like a good candidate for being a proper New Years Resolution.

I dread the fast approaching month of March.  There are many things crowding up the calender for March, most of which are happy, joyful events.  I will welcome a new great nephew and I will see two people I care about get married.  But clouding the month of March is the fact that (as of today's date) it is still the month in which at the end of it Irish goes back to Ireland.  Depending on how things go and how hectic they get at the end those happy March happenings may not be something I get to fully share with Irish.  That seriously makes me sad.  That cloud has always been looming over but back on the warm summer night after Irish and I first met it just didn't seem so dark.  

So with January now being what it is and March/April being what it will be I find it hard to happily looking forward to 2013.  I will admit that even with the first 3 or 4 months of 2013 looking gloomy they are far brighter and better than those beginning months of 2012 and I am delighted by that fact.  I am.  Really, I am but I would love to not have a "but" at the end of that and I guess that is where I am getting suck.  

2012 Goal: Quarterly Update #3

It's half way through December so I'm a bit behind on my 2012 Goals update.

#1. Wear each pair of shoes I have (at least once)... 

Well, I've still been wearing shoes.  I kind of gave up on the whole documenting thing.  I got rid of a lot without wearing them to decide.  I'm ending the year with 43   shoes and 23 flip flops.  I'm not sure how many shoes I actually got rid of & how many were new this year, it's totally lame but when I was purging I never thought to write down what I got rid of.  There's about 6 more pairs I may get rid of still but I haven't quite decided yet.

Standing: Excellent.  I have less shoes than I started with, so I got rid of more shoes than I bought this year (I think I have 8 new pairs of shoes that I bought or won).  I think that's pretty dang good.

#2. Get rid of things... 

I went through boxes I've been holding onto that had things from my childhood in it or things I was holding onto that were my Nana's.  I got rid of a few things but most of them were too important to get rid of.  I cleaned out both of my closets and got rid of a lot of clothing I didn't wear anymore.  I should have tackled my outside storage closet but never got around to it.  Meh, oh well... I can try next year. 

Standing: Okay.  I mean, I got rid of SOME things.  


#3. Go on a date... 

I went on two online dates AND I've been dating Irish for 6 months.  I just wish I'd met him prior to tackeling the whole online dating thing.

Standing: Excellent.  Goal is complete.


#4. Sew a 50's style dress...  

I never made my 50's style dress.  I tracked down a few patterns in the size I needed but by the time I went to buy them they were sold.  Vintage patterns are in high demand... damn hipsters!  I may try again next year, you know, once my sister has recovered from helping me with the botched DYI dress we did (found here) or some miracle happens and someone lets me use their sewing machine to try sewing myself.

I did make a dress, "fix" said dress,  and then "trashed" said "fixed" dress and then never tried the project again.  I still want to make a maxi version of the dress but I guess until I can perfect the short version I shouldn't waste all the fabric needed to make the maxi dress.  

Standing: Good.  (See above).


#5. Finally making myself my no sew fleece blanket...  
*(Still)Nothing but cricket sounds here*

Anytime I thought about making the blanket Remington would remind me why I no longer do crafts in the house.  Also, just trying to fix things makes me want to kill him.  Mostly because I'm fixing the things he's ruined.  He's a complete moster when I try to make the bed or fold blankets so I just haven't had the gumption to try it yet.

Standing.  Bad.


#6. Get new glasses...  

I didn't get any farther than thinking I needed or should get new glasses.

Standing: Bad.


#7. Visit Bearizona...  

I didn't get around to visiting Bearizona.  

I did, however, drive to the Albuquerque Bio Park.  We (me, Crystal & brood) spent the day exploring the zoo, botanic garden and the aquarium. 

Crazy fact:  It takes less time to drive from Eagar, AZ to Albuquerque, NM than it does to drive from Eagar, AZ to Williams, AZ.  WHAT?!  Eagar to Albuquerque is 197.9 miles and Eagar to Williams is 209.7 miles.  

Standing. Okay.  Same difference, right?

Fill In the Blank Friday #19

joining at The Little Things We Do

1.  Over this labor day weekend I will be driving up to Eagar with Irish to visit Crystal & fam (they moved up there about a month ago).  I'm excited & a bit nervous at the same time.  I'll be introducing them for the first time & it will be mine & Irish's first trip together.

2.  With the political debates going on right now, my thoughts are that I should be paying more attention to it all.  And by more I mean start paying attention to it all.  All the political BS between the parties & those running is far too annoying to me & it distracts from the issues.

3.  Today has been loooong and it's not even close to being over.  I am working on almost 4 hours of sleep so that's not helping.  Luckily it's Friday.

4. The best thing I've cooked recently was BLT salad.  Soooo good & perfect for Summer.

5. The last thing I bought was gas & oil.

6. The best movie I saw this summer was um...The Avengers.

7.  The best book I read this summer was Chasing Fire by Nora Roberts.

I Can't Shake This Wake When All I Need Is Rest*

*Lyrics from 'Sinner's Heart' - Live Oak Revue; though it may be "I can't shake this wake and all I need is rest" I can't figure it out. 

I've been battling insomnia for what seems like FOREVER.  In reality its been at least 5 years now...which is basically FOREVER.  I do not take medication directly for insomnia, sounds sort of crazy doesn't it. 

Part of it is I HATE being on medication.  I take 4 different pills a day (2 in the AM & 2 in the PM). The other part of it is some of the medication I am already on is supposed to help with insomnia and the others I take have warnings on how they may make you drowsy.  The worst of the drowsy offenders I take at night (as recommended) and STILL I do not sleep well at night. 

I cannot fall asleep and when I finally do I can't stay asleep.  It can take me up to an hour to fall asleep at night with a minimum of at least 30 minutes to do so.  I have never been one to fall asleep the moment my head hits the pillow.  I both envy and hate Will for his ability to do so.  I can't remember the last time I slept for more than 4 hours at a time.  Most of the time I wake every 2 hours, some nights every hour.   Once I'm awake, I'm awake.  There's rarely waking and just rolling over and falling back asleep.  Nope, I have to start the falling asleep process all over again.

It doesn't help that when I do find myself actually sleeping Will's alarm will go off (anywhere between 2 - 3:30 AM).  I do not, nor have I ever, slept through an alarm.  Plus, waking up at the same time every morning (5-6 days a week) gets my body into a schedule.   Even if it is not my alarm or my schedule.  My body LOVES schedules.  Without sharing too much the minute I wake up I have to go visit the little ladies room.  No exception (okay, this is a slight exageration).  This can  sometimes be a problem when I'm awake every few hours.  So not only am I awake for what is NOT  my alarm, I have to get up out of bed.  Not matter how much I try to stay sleepy during this transaction I am wide awake by the time I crawl back into bed.  There's the little added bonus that Will's work starting time changes with the sun's every fickle time schedule.  So his alarm fluctuates often and it seems the minute my body gets used to the new schedule, we start a new one and the whole catching up starts all over.  While there's a lot about Will's schedule that interrupts my sleeping pattern it is by no means the main reason I do not or cannot sleep.  It just adds to the mess. 

I am a light sleeper in a household of loud, noisy, heavy sleeping sleepers.  Sometimes I think a herd of elephants running through the bedroom wouldn't wake Will.  Now that Parker is going on 17 years old, she's a bit deaf and blind and she sleeps like the dead.  For a cat who was the epitome of catnap she sleeps so hard now she's scared me a few times because I couldn't wake her.  She, also, snores like a person.  No joke.  How a cat can snore so loud is beyond me.  She barely makes any noise anymore when she meows or "talks" to me but she sure can put some power behind sawing logs! 

I'm starting to wonder if maybe something else is behind the insomnia.  I know stress is a factor and as a person who tends to be high-strung I sometimes stress when there really isn't anything to stress about. 

My doctor and I decided I suffer from PMDD (aprox 2 yrs ago).  Insomnia can be a symptom, about the time my PMS turned to PMDD the sever insomnia started.  It took me FOREVER to realize something was actually wrong.  I actually didn't figure it out, I had a friend politely email me some information about it suggesting I talk to my doctor.   It was seriously THAT BAD.  After talking to my doctor she put me on a Birth Control that has been linked with helping eleveate PMDD symptoms.  When that didn't help enough she combined a new BC with an anti-depesent/mood stabalizer.  That combo, my friends, has been a life saver!  It even helped with the insomnia for a while.  At least up until reciently. 

Switching medication is rarely a fun experience for the first few weeks but I'm wondering if it isn't time for some adjusting.  I also wonder if the problem isn't that I am on 4 DIFFERENT medications.  The two listed about and two for allergies (which I take all year long because they're that bad).  Or is there something else wrong with me?

The thought of adding another medication to the pot is daunting to say the least.  Mostly because I can barely afford to pay the ones I have now.  My coverage seems to suck and even when what I'm taking has a generic kind I still pay the top prescription amount.  I know it could be worse but at the same time it could be a heck of a lot better.  I am paying monthly almost what I used to pay for my car payment when I had one.  Think about that for a moment.  I could afford to have a new car if I didn't need to be on so many medications. 

I could just stop taking them but life is far to hellish to do that.  Not only for me but for anyone who I come into contact with.  If you think I have attitude (putting it nicely) now, just imagine what I would be like completely miserable (from allergies) and unmedicated for the crazies.  Scary, isn't it?! 

I've gotten this far and I have no idea if I had a point to all of this.  If I did I have one I have no idea if I made it.  It's late in the day and my brain isn't fully working.  I'm currently in an exhaustion haze and I can't think.  I encounter a few of those a day.  No matter how busy I am I can and will doze off.  It's sort of scary sometimes, especially when one hits when I'm driving (usually on the way to work, which I find super weird).  I guess the "exhaustion haze" part is what worries me the most.  Even with the amount of sleep I get a night it doesn't seem I should be this tired all the time. 

Maybe my point was to admit to all this so I can no longer ignore it.  Force myself to the doctor, so to speak.  I've never gotten over my childhood fear of doctors so I sometimes have to play little games with myself to make myself go.  You don't even want to know what I have to do to make myself go when I know there will be blood drawn.  *Shivers*

30 Days of Music: Day 14

Day 14 - A song that no one would expect you to love:

I really don’t know if there is actually a song that no one would expect me to love since I love music so much.  I think I have a wide range of music in my music library…though I’m sure it’s hard to tell by what music choices I post here on this blog.   Since pondering today’s question I’ve asked a couple of people and the answer I got back was, “I don’t know?!”  So not helpful!

The closest I can come to answer this is last week Will was making me listen to a “Rap” mix CD that his co-worker/car-pooler Chuck made him.  Super cute, I know…I haven’t even made Will a mixed CD, but I think it was in response to Will torturing Chuck since the beginning of their carpool with listening to only classic rock and country with a little Audioslave thrown in.  Anyway, ‘In Da Club’ by 50 Cent came on and I instantly started bouncing my arm around & singing, “Go Shorty, it’s your birthday…we gonna party like it’s your birthday…”  Will was a bit shocked & said he was surprised by my reaction.  I’m not sure why since it’s constantly being played at the clubs...at least it was “back in the day” when I used to go out dancing all the time.  That’s really the only time I’ve ever been exposed to it, it’s not like it’s on my iPod or I have a 50 Cent CD laying around so to say I love the song is a bit much but it’s the only answer I have for now.

30 Days of Insight: Day 29

Day 29 - What you live for:





30 Days of Me: Day 20

Day 20- Someone you see yourself marrying or being with in the future:


Call me crazy but I sort of see myself being with him in the future.

He drives me crazy most of the time but I wouldn’t have it any other way. Even if that means there will be no less than 5 fishing polls & 2 tackle boxes lying around at all times.



Invented

First, this song is incredible! So listen & read the lyrics. Not a demand just a request because it's really good.

Second, I blather on about the JEW concert farther down. I'm getting giddy just thinking about that night!

Invented-Jimmy Eat World



When I first came to see you I called it Houston street

Could we meet? Show me all the things you see?

I'm one more here

Some old-timer pioneer

Who believes with shaken faith

I still have some cool

I could leave you here with your 'people'

If I'm a flag you'd not prefer to wave

You're always in my head

You're just what I wanted

I live in constant debt

To feel you, invented

When I first came to LA I met you the old fashioned way

Too drunk

Even worse, much too lonely

I'll leave it there

A busted homesteader

Who believes in virgin grace

Somehow I'll stay proud

Any dick can roll up in a suit

But only I would know what really moves you

You're always in my head

You're just what I wanted

I live in constant debt

To feel you, invented

There's a cinematic end

I picture it just right

Having trouble with the right words

But you tell me with your eyes:

There's something good I miss

Something I can’t find

Do you believe me now?

Can you see it in my eyes?

You're always in my head

You're just what I wanted

I live in constant debt

To feel you, invented

Just needed to note that that Jimmy Eat World concert was fantastic!! Totally worth the 10 year wait but at the same time I’m even more totally bummed I missed all the concerts I did. I know I saw them way back when they were still a garage band & then when they were just signed with Capitol Records but it’s just not the same. The experience they’ve built in the last 16 years or so is incredible. So is the music & song list they have now. Plus, the energy of a “small” show like that you get at the Marquee Theater is a bit different from what you get from a house “show” or watching a practice in a garage.

Will agreed to go with me this time since he could “stand” some Jimmy Eat World songs and I’m glad to say that JEW did exactly as I knew they would and blew Will’s mind. I think he’s a bit in love now too. Not in the same fanGIRL! way I am but he’s a fan non-the-less.

Since it was on Oct. 30th they asked people to come dressed in their best Halloween attire & they would hold a costume contest. I was amazed at the amount of people who actually dressed up. I couldn’t imagine standing for hours on end in a Halloween costume when you are literally sardined in with hundreds of other people, sweating & jumping around. Apparently, it works for some people though. The band came out decked out. Everyone had on masks but Tom, who had zombie face paint. Rick kept his awesome light up Grim Reaper mask/hood on the whole concert (safe for about a 5-10 minute break on their jam session during Goodbye Sky Harbor). How he kept it on the whole time is beyond me but it was pretty damn impressive.

During the encore Jim threw out some guitar picks & one landed by where we were standing. No one really noticed at the time, including me, but the girl in front of us & Will did. Once Will told me we were all looking around for it and luckily Will saw it before the girl did. I felt a bit bad for being the ones to get it because she was like 14 and was looking pretty hard for it. I figure if she was meant to have it though she would have found it. Anyway, it’s an actual Jimmy Eat World printed pick & Jim Adkins signed the back side. Will was so proud he found it for me. It was an awesome find & I’m happy to add it to my autograph collection.

Speaking of 14 year olds, I swear we were surrounded by them! There was three in front of us right off to the side & they were giants! I barely came up to their shoulders & they were barely teens. They couldn’t drive because their mom was their with them, though she stood a bit behind them to give them space. She was for sure a fan and I’m guessing introduced the boys to JEW. How we got caught in the 14 year old giant pocket is beyond me but there wasn’t one person around us who did not tower over us or was legal to drink…or even drive. Just beyond them were what I’d consider peers and most of the diehard fans (at least those crazy enough to get smashed against the stage/barrier gates) were older as well.

I think for 2 days after my ears were ringing because it was so loud. It didn’t seem so bad when we where there, except for the first encore song when the sound was jacked, but we were standing in the line of the speakers. That’s my usual spot though & I’ve been to concerts that seemed way louder so I’m not sure what happened. Maybe my ears aged some since the Something Corporate concert a few months ago. I don’t know but I’m glad it’s since stopped and my hearing has returned & is normal. I would have been extremely sad & upset if Jimmy broke my ears! I mean, how would I properly hear the next concert of theirs I go to?!

#30Daysof...Me: Day 1

I found a few blog ideas with the idea of writing a blog every day for a month. I’m going to start with 30 Days of Me. Since I don’t always have access to a computer I’ll just double up on the days I won’t be around one. It’s sort of a cheat but it’s the best I can do.

30 Days of Me: Day 1- A recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself.

Photo...

For whatever reason I love this photo & the color to it.  I've edited it to protect the innocent.  =)

15 interesting facts about me.  Maybe not so interesting but it's all I could come up with...

1. I swore I’d never watch anything with the Kardashian’s in it and now that I have cable I’m totally addicted & lovelovelove them. It’s a guilty pleasure for sure.

2. My last name technically should have been Summers.

3. I can throw darts better with my left hand after a few drinks than I can with my right sober. (I'm right
handed)

4. I hated taking pills while growing up.  So much so that I wouldn’t even take Tylenol for anything. Now I take at least 4 pills daily, basically just to get through the day healthy & happily.

5. I can’t remember the last time I slept through the night without waking up at least once.

6. I can pop my right elbow & knee but not the left side.

7. I wear turquoise jewelry when I want to feel close to my mother.

8. Amethysts remind me of my Nana, and are my favorite gemstone.

9. As a kid I was afraid to vocally finish the children’s prayer “Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep” because I was afraid by saying “I pray the Lord my soul to take” meant he’d just come down & take me away. I’ll be teaching my children a different version & the meaning of the prayer. Not that my kids will have the same issues as I did growing up.

10. I seriously love donuts but I’ve given them up because they give me such bad heartburn now.

11. Admitting that makes me feel older than finding grey hairs…which I’ve been doing since high school.

12. I haven’t died my hair for almost 10 years and I’ve only had highlights once during that time. A seriously bad home hair dying “incident” back then finally taught me I liked my natural hair color better than what I could get in a bottle.

13. I’m still afraid to look in the mirror at night when the lights are out. I probably only played Bloody Mary once as a kid because I was too afraid to.

14. I was so shy in school that a few of my elementary school teachers finally gave up on me speaking loud enough for everyone to hear & would read my reports for me as long as I stood up there next to them. I was beet red the whole time & hated it just as much.

15. As long as my bedroom closet is clean the rest of the house is usually pretty clean. Once something gets disorganized or messy in the closet it’s all downhill for the rest. I don’t understand this, especially since the door is always closed & I can’t see inside the closet.

For those interested... 

30 Days of Me:

day 1- recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself

day 2- the meaning behind you blog name

day 3- a picture of you and your friends

day 4- a habit that you wish you didn’t have

day 5- a picture of somewhere youve been to

day 6- favorite super hero and why

day 7- a picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you

day 8- short term goals for this month and why

day 9- something youre proud of in the past few days

day 10- songs you listen to when you are happy, sad, bored, hyped, mad

day 11- another picture of you and your friends

day 12- how you found out about blogger and why you have one

day 13- a letter to someone who has hurt you recently

day 14- a picture of you and your family

day 15- put you ipod on shuffle: first 10 songs that play

day 16- another picture of yourself

day 17- someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why

day 18- plans/dreams/goals you have

day 19- nicknames you have and why you have them

day 20- someone you see yourself marrying or being with in the future

day 21- a picture of something that makes you happy

day 22- what makes you different from everyone else

day 23- something you crave for a lot

day 24- a letter to your parents

day 25- what I would find in your bag

day 26- what do you think about your friends

day 27- why are you doing this 30 day challenge

day 28- a picture of you from last year and now, how have you changed since then?

day 29- in this past month, what have you learned

day 30- you favorite song

Meet Remington

Apparently the "Why Cats Are Awesome!" graphic/spiel worked! 

Yesterday, without any prompting Will sits me down and tells me that what he's about to say is good for only one night (that night!), and (drum roll please!)... he wants another cat.  I could go pick out a kitten but only if I could get it that night!  His only other request was that it be awesome & that it was not white.  He refused to go to the cat store with me so Nathan went with me instead.  Nathan's been wanting a cat so going to the cat store wasn't torture for him. 

The first Petsmart we went to only had 4 older cats that would not fit into our cat family so we went to another Petsmart.  They had tons of cats & kittens but they only adopted the cats out between 9-5.  It was 5:30 so they wouldn't let me adopt one.  Right when we were getting to the 2nd Petsmart Will called to say Chelsey had found a lady who had free kittens & she was going to go get one for Nathan for a late b-day/early Christmas present & she was going to check them out to see if there was any we might like. 

I was a bit nervous for Chelsey because Nathan & I were talking and he was saying he didn't think he could afford a kitten right then & that he was very particular about what he wanted.  I know he wanted a grey, chill boy kitten but nothing else he said was something someone else could pick out...it was something Nathan would know when he saw the kitten.  Chelsey has been planning on getting Nathan a cat since he first mentioned it so I know they've talked a lot about it so I figured she'd have a good handle on what he wanted but you just never know.

My whole trip to Petsmart was more a joke than anything since I didn't really believe Will was being serious.  I was going to "scar" Will by finding a cat & sending him photo's of it, making him think I'd gotten it, but not really getting it because I knew he didn't really want one.  I didn't have my heart on actually getting a cat that night so when Will said to come back to his dad's & we'd wait to see what Chelsey had to say about the free kittens I was okay with it.

I called Chelsey when I got back to see what she had to say & if she got Nathan a kitten.  She had, he was grey & totally chill and she was sure he was exactly what Nathan wanted.  There was 2 kittens left, a black girl and a tabby boy.  She thought Will would really like the black one but that I'd probably like the tabby one.  She was worried about the tabby because it was "whining" a lot when she was there earlier.  She was going to go get kitten supplies for Nathan and then come home so Nathan could have his present, then  Will & I could see the kitten and decided if we wanted to go see the others.

Well, once Will & I talked and I figured out he was actually serious and wanted to get a kitten there was no way I was not going to go check out the free kittens.  If we didn't like them, then I was going to totally figure out a way to talk Will into extending his offer so we could go rescue a kitten from Petsmart the next day.  I asked Will why he'd changed his mind and he said he didn't know really, just that he'd been playing with Chelsey's cats Itty & Maggie and he decided having a kitten would be pretty cool.  We talked more about what having a new cat would mean & he seemed to still want a new cat so I told him I wasn't joking anymore I was going to get a kitten that night! 

Of course, Nathan's cat was freaking ADORABLE!!  He's charcoal grey with grey eyes.  He was totally outgoing & not afraid of all of us new people.  He was just checking things out and letting everyone pet him.  I'm pretty sure it was love at first sight for Nathan.  The kitten just ended up sitting on the table while we talked about him & waited for the kitten lady to call us back to let us know if we could go back to look at the other kittens.  When she called back she said she'd just given away the black kitten but we could have the tabby if we wanted it.  I decided to go check him out but told Will if he was cute & had the right personality we were getting him.  He said that was fine as long as he wasn't really a whiner.  Again, he didn't want to go with us to pick him out.

As soon as I saw the kitten's face I fell in love.  He's got white rings around his eyes with what I call black Egyptian eyeliner.  He was just as freaking ADORABLE as his brother.  He only meowed twice when we were checking him out & that was when we held him in a way he didn't much care for.  He was snuggling into me & purred when Liz had him.  He seemed to really like us & was being calm & cute.  I met the mom (a tabby) and the dad (a HUGE black cat who looked like a mini black panther).  The mom was really friendly but the dad was a bit wild as he's more an outside cat.  We sent a picture of him to Will & once he said he was cute we told the lady I'd take him.

I held him cuddled to me on the long walk back to the car & he was so calm & snugly.  He did freak out once in the car but I haven't met a cat who doesn't freak out in the car.  He seemed to like Will, and vise versa, when I handed him over & we all sat at his dad's kitchen table & got to know each other.  The kittens were happy to see each other again.  We got them to play with wrapping ribbon, until Nathan's cat sat down & fell asleep.  At first Nathan named him Cole (Chelsey's suggestion) but by this morning his name was Wesson.  I think both are great names but it's coll that the brothers both have gun makers names.  Will named our kitten Remington.  We need to decide if that's with one 'm' or two.  Yesterday I was spelling it with one but today I've been doing two.  I think it's going to stick (the name) but if not I have a suggestion if we need a backup. 

It was so sweet!  When I brought Remington in I set him down in front of Parker & Cyrus since they greeted us at the door.  Rem walked right up to Parker and knocked his head to her chin and rubbed him self against her in welcome.  Cyrus immediately freaked out & took off like Remington was going to eat him.  Parker got a bit more on edge then but didn't hiss or freak out until I was petting her & then petted Remington.  Then the hissing & growling fits began.  Poor Remington can't figure out what's going on because he just wants to be friends with everyone.  He follows me & Will everywhere we go.

Settling down once everyone else went to bed.

There may have been an hour or two of cat napping before bed.

I didn't want to upset everyone too much last night so I left the bed for Parker & Cyrus (though he wouldn't move from the floor on Will's side of the bed) and made Remington a bed (from a small box, sheet & the shirt I was wearing that day) on the floor next to my side of the bed & laid there with my arm hanging down so my hand was in the box to settle Rem.  After he washed my hand he fell asleep & stayed there until Will's alarm woke us up.  He stayed up with Will until Will he left & stuck him back in his "bed".  Remington wouldn't stay & climbed up onto the bed and crawled around on me until my alarm went off.

Some bonding time before we went to bed for the night

Remington followed me around all morning, attacking my feet (his favorite thing) & attacking cat toys he'd find.  He spent forever attacking a large furry mouse (his 2nd favorite thing).  By the time I left for work he'd curled himself up on the bed & went to sleep.  Parker & Cyrus are a bit less tense, Parker & Cyrus, can be by each other in the same room but any movement from Remington sets them off.  They're all home alone together all day so we'll see how things are when we get home tonight.

Tuckered out after playing all morning

Oh, and after holding & petting Remington & then picking up & petting Parker & Cyrus...there's a world of difference.  They are MONSTERS!  I can't wait to get a pic of the size difference.  There's at least a 8 - 10 pound difference in weight.

P.S. Spell check wanted Remington to have only 1 'm' so that's what I'm going with...

Why cats are awesome!

I wish I could say I found this all on my own but I cannot as I found it while reading one of the blogs I frequent.  TP always has neat graphics, photos or whatnot.  I wonder if she's a genius at making such things or if she has some nifty one-stop-spot she goes to.  Or is she just extremely OCD and spends hours hunting & searching for that one piece she's looking for?

Anyway, I'm totally adding this to my spiel...

Unfortunately, I don't think it's going to sway any of the nay sayers in my life, the one's who don't want me to get a kitten.  Those of us who do want me to get a kitten are few and far between, and by few and far between I mean just me.  I'm totally blaming this unlogical want for a new family addition to my raging out of control biological clock.  Really what's a kitten in the scheme of things?  I'm not asking for a stork deleviry to arrive in 9 months.  Nope, just a little itty bitty kitty.  Kittens are much more economic & practical than a baby.  Don't I get a some brownie points for that?  At least, a few after subtracting a couple for asking for brownie points to begin with?  See practical. 

I'm wandering again...

I pushed hard for a dwarf hamster but that idea was shot down faster than one would think considering the other options out on the table.  How is it that the dwarf hamsters, or any hamsters for that matter, don't get any love?  They're cute, seem relitively easy to care for, and don't take up too much space in the scheme of things.  Yet everyone is against getting a hamster.  Main reason...they're stinky.  Um, have you ever walked in on/after your spouse, child, cat or dog finished their business?  The stink factor is there, sorry to say. 

Will suggested getting a dog if I really felt we needed a new addtion.  Really, who doesn't want a dog?  Honestly, I'd love a dog.  Putting the whole cat issue aside, a dog is a horrible idea for apartment living.  Bringing the whole cat issue back, a dog would never fit into the "family" structure we have right now.  Cyrus might finally come around to the idea of livng with a dog but Parker would never come around to the idea.  She hates dogs!  There's been a time or two where she's almost busted through a plate glass window to chase a dog out of the yard.  Aside from all that, such an upset could have an adverse reaction on their health.  So I told him we could get a dog once Parker is gone & we have a house with a nice yard.

Maybe I'll just get a goldfish or something. 

Obsession(s)

I keep trying to start this by saying "My current obsessions are..." but that makes it sorta sound like my obsessions are relatively new or something that could possibly pass soon and that's not the case. My obsessions are, for the most part, long standing ones I've had for at least 6 months but mostly have been going on for years.

Anytime I see a wooden birdhouse or cute little bird nicknack's I've got to buy it/them. I went to Kirkland's last week and came home with 3 new birds. One was a bird on a maple leaf dish that is exact to one I've been coveting from Urban Outfitters (but couldn't get because they were out of stock) and it was only $2.99. All I have to say is... take that UO!! The other was a bird shaped lamp that's perfect for a night light in the living room for late night returns, no more tripping over cats while trying to find the light switch. The last bird I bought was a ceramic totem shaped bird on a ball that I threw up on the top of the kitchen cabinets to fill in some space with the birdhouses & plants up there. Any time I go to Michael's or Hobby Lobby I end up with a birdhouse or some bird of sorts to fill in some space somewhere.

The bird obsession has slowly made its way into the artwork I like and is starting to trickle down to jewelry. I've found a little shop on Etsy, called Studio Enrouge, and it's my goal to get an original painting from her. I've had to satisfy myself with some prints of paintings I missed out on. I have at least 3 more prints I want to get. Etsy is, depending on how you want to look at it, either becoming a problem or is my new bird heaven because it's the easiest thing to find the cutest bird themed stuff on there. I have some jewelry I'm just dying to get. There's just so many possibilities on there I get a bit giddy thinking about it.

It's not just bird jewelry I'm obsessed with. I love all kinds of jewelry! Some days I pick my outfit by what necklace, earrings or bracelet I want to wear. I can't go to Target without at least looking at the jewelry counter. I've even started switching out rings, which is new. I always wore a ring until it broke, didn't fit anymore or was lost somehow. Now I'm wishing I had more so I could switch out every ring on every finger I wear one on but it's hard because that's a lot of sizes to shop for...though I do feel I'm up for the challenge.


For a long time I just stuck to my Cookie Le jewelry and was constantly wearing my abalone/mother of pearl jewelry. It worked because it went with a lot of colors but some days I want bolder colors or more flash so I had to update my selection. I love finding jewelry in unexpected places because you find cooler designs than in the usual places. Take the shop(s) at the SL, UT airport (I have a souvenir shirt from UT with SL,UT written across the front and Salt Lake, UT written in smaller print down the side. Majorly fun to wear in UT & see the looks you get), I found some sweet jewelry. Luckily the necklace I found is also available on-line since there's only one store in Glendale, AZ that sells them at this point. You buy a pendant in the shape & color you want and then can pick from hundreds of magnetic pieces that fit into the pendant...giving you a new necklace whenever you want. It's easy to switch the chains out too so you can have a zillion different looks. The shops have more selections than the on-line store but I'm sure it's a rotation thing and just have to keep on top for new designs. Shopping on-line has been great too to find stuff you don't normally see or don't have access to in the local shops. I guess that goes back to one of the reason's why I love Etsy so much.

The idea of getting a tattoo has been a non-stop thought for the past few months. I have two that I know I want for sure but the idea of a third one is hovering out there as well. Karie & I have had the idea of getting a matching BFF tattoo forever now. The idea started as something to do to celebrate our 20th anniversary as best friends but that date passed a couple years ago. My aversion to needles prohibited us from moving forward with the idea. Plus, we've been stuck on what to get. We had an idea for a while but could never figure out how to execute it. Now we have another idea but we're still stuck on figuring out how to make it work. We want something that is totally us as a whole & individually. Not as easy as one would think.

I, also, want to get a tattoo of some Jimmy Eat World lyrics. They popped out to me as a great tattoo idea the first time I heard them and that was over a year ago. I'm not sure if I want them flowing into a heart or if I just want them in "natural" word form. It all depends on placement and I don't feel I can figure that out until Karie & I decide on what & where we want our tattoo. There's only a few places I'm willing to put a tattoo... my foot, the inside of my wrist and my back. If I only get one tattoo I want it where I can see it but if I have two or more I'm willing to have one someplace I can't see. No matter where I get one I want the placement to be easy to cover up if needed.


I'm really scared that the foot will hurt or freak me out too much to sit still through since I get pretty squirrely when my feet are being messed with. The foot and wrist are my two top places. A bit stupid for someone so scared of freaking out during a tattoo since they can both be pretty painful places. I think my pain tolerance is pretty high and from what I've heard tattooing feels like I think I'll be fine but when you add in my irrational fear of needles it's really up in the air as to how I'll react. I can see me getting so squirrely at just the thought of NEEDLES that they won't even be able to start the tattoo, let alone finish it. Really the whole needle thing is the whole reason I've held out so long on getting a tattoo in the first place. I've thought about getting one since high school but just couldn't get over the whole needle thing.


My fear of needles is so irrational that just retyping the word is making me feel funny. A few years ago I was riding around with some friends and they started talking about tattoos, botox and lipo-dissolve and comparing what the needles felt like in comparison. Since I wasn't all that interested in the cosmetic part of the conversation and didn't have any experience in any of it, I was only half listening to the the conversation, having nothing to add and damn if I didn't start feeling light headed, getting sweaty palms, and having my cheeks go numb & drooly. I must have said something or made some noise because one of my friends looked back at me and said something like, "Kerri, you are totally white! Are you going to pass out?!" I ended up having to put my head between my knees so I wouldn't pass out. While they both felt bad about their needle talk almost taking me out, I did have to endure some teasing for a while about it. The funny thing about it all is I've gone with two different friends and watched them get tattoos. As long as I avoided thinking about the needle or seeing it before it had ink on it I was fine. I just have a hard time applying that kind of thinking to myself.


At this point getting a tattoo is a way of overcoming my stupid fear...or at least looking it in the eye and staring it down. I don't want it to rule my life or make me miss out on stuff I want to do. I, also, have a goal of giving blood before the year is over. That kind of needle makes me super nervous and can turn me bloodless in 2 seconds flat if I see one before I have blood taken. I've scared a few lab techs by not speaking up quickly enough so they can keep it out of sight before I'm ready.

I'm not sure if my biological clock has something to do with it or if it's just the fact that Parker is getting up there in years but I really want a kitten. The realization that both my cats are aging is a scary one. I'm not as worried about Cyrus since he's only 10 but Parker is 16 and really starting to slow down. She's still in good health but her hearing, eye sight and joints just don't work like they used to. I swore after getting Cyrus at 6 weeks old I'd never get another kitten again, I'd buy a full grown cat instead. He was a great kitten and didn't give me any problems. He was trained when we got him or self taught himself about the litter box, not clawing anything but cat scratches and he never jumped up on places he wasn't supposed to. He was just so damn full of energy and little kitten hell that I swore the adorableness of all things kittens wasn't worth it.


Now, after seeing Will's sister, Chelsey's, two kittens grow up these last few months I want one. Kitten hell, bad habbits, and their trouble making has not changed this need I have. Maggie & Itty are MONSTERS...little demon kitties and I love them to death!!


I tried to rescue what I thought was a lost little kitten and was using my chicken chili to lure him in. It was all I had at the time and finally changed to wet cat food when the opportunity presented itself. I don't really want 3 cats at the same time, especially while living in an apartment but sometimes the want outweighs all else, like being smart & responsible. While the kitten was a stray, he's not lost. He's part of the apartment's stray cat club and he has a full litter of siblings. Honestly, part of me wants to rescue them all but I don't have the room, money or resource to find them homes. Unfortunately, it's going to have to be someone else's responsibility this time around. Part of the problem may be that this is the first time in 9 years that I haven't had a stray cat to take care of and unofficially adopt.

Speaking of biological clock ticking...there must be something in the water. It seems like every other person I see or know is pregnant. First it was engagements and/or weddings and now it's babies. Every time I have to go buy baby presents I get all mushy inside and decide I do want one. Luckily, once I hang out around little kids I change my mind. Most of the time. This feeling hasn't been this bad before and the only thing I can attribute it to is the fact that I'll be 35 in a few years and that's the end of the road date for me. If I don't have kids before 35, I don't think I want any. I know it's still possible but I just don't know if I can do it. I don't know if babies is an official obsession but I think it's definitely has potential to become one. Who ever thought I'd be on the road to becoming that person?!

For the second time in my life the thought of moving has been like a wild fire in my brain. The first time I was in a deep rut and looking for a way out. No motivation and being talked out of it changed my mind but the thought has stayed in the back of my mind. The last few years the idea of moving out of AZ has been rattling around in my mind for the first time. Before that the thought of moving out of AZ and not living here was something my brain couldn't compute. I love AZ, scorching summers and all. If I ever had a fleeting thought at living someplace at all, it was only for a year... like I thought I'd like to move to Virginia for a year to experience the East Coast and a full 4 seasons. The thought of staying longer wasn't an option.


Right now, as it stands today, I'd move up to UT tomorrow if I had it all worked out. Most of my family is up there so I'd have a large support system. While the "politics" (ie. Mormonism) of living in UT don't excite me much, I know it's something I could live with. I just love how nothing is mapped out and on grid like it is here. Farm land, rural areas & the city all blend together into some strange & whimsical landscape. There is so many colors and greenness all over it almost blinds someone who isn't used to it. There are wild animals running around in neighborhoods. I mean, I saw an antelope while sitting in a bakery in the shopping center next to my sister, Beth's, neighborhood. He was running along the road across the street on some farmland. I'd like to see a sight like that in East Mesa. There are pheasants in the land next to my sister, Sherri's, house. Deer, fox, rabbits and all other critters are just all over the place where ever you go up there. To some that's not impressive but to me that is just so freaking awesome. The thought of putting up a squirrel feeder in my backyard would be the coolest thing to me. SQUIRRELS! IN MY BACK YARD. Anyone who knows me knows the prospect of that would tickle me pink.


I'd love to be closer to my family that lives up there. I've never really had that much family living around me at one time. There are a few of us here but the group up in UT is almost overwhelming. Of course, I'd totally miss the family I have here. They've been the family members I've grown up with and who have always been my core family unit. Though, I'm sure my sister Georgie would move up there in a heartbeat! Well, maybe not since Nick's kids are down here.


I guess I sometimes want something new and adventurous. What's more new and adventurous than moving out of state? Especially, a state with snow...something a girl with lizard blood in her veins has never had to deal with. Sadly, Will's not too keen on the idea of moving. He can't really get past the thought of not being by his family. Me, I got hung up on how to get the cats up to UT without killing one, if not both of them. They're so easily stressed with moving and traveling. I can pretty much work everything else out, save for the damn cats. Go figure!

It's been my goal the past two years to see anyone and everyone on my list of favorites music wise. I've missed out on so many great music opportunities and concerts because of my aversion to large crowds. After realizing I could get over my adverson if my want was greater than my fear, I realized large crowds are no problem. It's hard to feel claustrophobic in a large crowd when a great concert is going on. The energy in the crowd is like nothing else I've experienced. Plus, nothing really brings people together like music. Anyone who annoys you in a crowd while waiting for a concert to start can become your best friend while the music is playing and the band/preformer you both love is before you giving you all they have. Experienceing music live is just so exilirating to me. The thrill and excitment I get when I purchase tickets to someone I love is crazy insane. I've described it as being so excited I could pee my pants, like little dogs do when they get super excited. Some understand that feeling, others don't. Its a high like none other I've experienced. Not that I've experienced a lot of different kinds of highs because I'm a good little girl and have not, just in case anyone with mothering tendancies towards me is reading this.


I've basically whiddled down my list of must sees these last two years. Off the top of my head I only have Glen Phillips/Toad the Wet Sprocket, Tristan Prettyman, Dawn Mitschele, Death Cab for Cutie & Matchbox 20 to see. Now I've seen Rob Thomas live and he was awesome! I know a Matchbox concert would be almost the same but I don't care, I've had a 14 year love affair with them. Toad the Wet Sprocket was one of my first concerts (they were with The Lemonheads) but I don't remember it, outside of the fact that I went. Glen Phillips solo music is so different than Toad's I really need to see both but the likelyhood of being able to see a Toad reunion is slim. I've been lucky enough to see Jason Mraz twice but my goal is to see him in a small venue. I've been super lucky to have seen everyone else in concert in small venues (mostly The Marquee Theatre): Gavin Degraw, twice, once at Martini Ranch and you can't get much smaller than that; William Tell (of Something Corporate) twice, once on the ASU campus by myself, I might add; and Andrew McMahon twice, once in Jack's Mannequin & once in Something Corporate. In my opinion, you just don't see preformances like those I've listed put on on an every day basic.






Not really sure why I felt like sharing that or why I'm putting it here instead of my public blocked LJ but there it is anyway.