I Can't Shake This Wake When All I Need Is Rest*

*Lyrics from 'Sinner's Heart' - Live Oak Revue; though it may be "I can't shake this wake and all I need is rest" I can't figure it out. 

I've been battling insomnia for what seems like FOREVER.  In reality its been at least 5 years now...which is basically FOREVER.  I do not take medication directly for insomnia, sounds sort of crazy doesn't it. 

Part of it is I HATE being on medication.  I take 4 different pills a day (2 in the AM & 2 in the PM). The other part of it is some of the medication I am already on is supposed to help with insomnia and the others I take have warnings on how they may make you drowsy.  The worst of the drowsy offenders I take at night (as recommended) and STILL I do not sleep well at night. 

I cannot fall asleep and when I finally do I can't stay asleep.  It can take me up to an hour to fall asleep at night with a minimum of at least 30 minutes to do so.  I have never been one to fall asleep the moment my head hits the pillow.  I both envy and hate Will for his ability to do so.  I can't remember the last time I slept for more than 4 hours at a time.  Most of the time I wake every 2 hours, some nights every hour.   Once I'm awake, I'm awake.  There's rarely waking and just rolling over and falling back asleep.  Nope, I have to start the falling asleep process all over again.

It doesn't help that when I do find myself actually sleeping Will's alarm will go off (anywhere between 2 - 3:30 AM).  I do not, nor have I ever, slept through an alarm.  Plus, waking up at the same time every morning (5-6 days a week) gets my body into a schedule.   Even if it is not my alarm or my schedule.  My body LOVES schedules.  Without sharing too much the minute I wake up I have to go visit the little ladies room.  No exception (okay, this is a slight exageration).  This can  sometimes be a problem when I'm awake every few hours.  So not only am I awake for what is NOT  my alarm, I have to get up out of bed.  Not matter how much I try to stay sleepy during this transaction I am wide awake by the time I crawl back into bed.  There's the little added bonus that Will's work starting time changes with the sun's every fickle time schedule.  So his alarm fluctuates often and it seems the minute my body gets used to the new schedule, we start a new one and the whole catching up starts all over.  While there's a lot about Will's schedule that interrupts my sleeping pattern it is by no means the main reason I do not or cannot sleep.  It just adds to the mess. 

I am a light sleeper in a household of loud, noisy, heavy sleeping sleepers.  Sometimes I think a herd of elephants running through the bedroom wouldn't wake Will.  Now that Parker is going on 17 years old, she's a bit deaf and blind and she sleeps like the dead.  For a cat who was the epitome of catnap she sleeps so hard now she's scared me a few times because I couldn't wake her.  She, also, snores like a person.  No joke.  How a cat can snore so loud is beyond me.  She barely makes any noise anymore when she meows or "talks" to me but she sure can put some power behind sawing logs! 

I'm starting to wonder if maybe something else is behind the insomnia.  I know stress is a factor and as a person who tends to be high-strung I sometimes stress when there really isn't anything to stress about. 

My doctor and I decided I suffer from PMDD (aprox 2 yrs ago).  Insomnia can be a symptom, about the time my PMS turned to PMDD the sever insomnia started.  It took me FOREVER to realize something was actually wrong.  I actually didn't figure it out, I had a friend politely email me some information about it suggesting I talk to my doctor.   It was seriously THAT BAD.  After talking to my doctor she put me on a Birth Control that has been linked with helping eleveate PMDD symptoms.  When that didn't help enough she combined a new BC with an anti-depesent/mood stabalizer.  That combo, my friends, has been a life saver!  It even helped with the insomnia for a while.  At least up until reciently. 

Switching medication is rarely a fun experience for the first few weeks but I'm wondering if it isn't time for some adjusting.  I also wonder if the problem isn't that I am on 4 DIFFERENT medications.  The two listed about and two for allergies (which I take all year long because they're that bad).  Or is there something else wrong with me?

The thought of adding another medication to the pot is daunting to say the least.  Mostly because I can barely afford to pay the ones I have now.  My coverage seems to suck and even when what I'm taking has a generic kind I still pay the top prescription amount.  I know it could be worse but at the same time it could be a heck of a lot better.  I am paying monthly almost what I used to pay for my car payment when I had one.  Think about that for a moment.  I could afford to have a new car if I didn't need to be on so many medications. 

I could just stop taking them but life is far to hellish to do that.  Not only for me but for anyone who I come into contact with.  If you think I have attitude (putting it nicely) now, just imagine what I would be like completely miserable (from allergies) and unmedicated for the crazies.  Scary, isn't it?! 

I've gotten this far and I have no idea if I had a point to all of this.  If I did I have one I have no idea if I made it.  It's late in the day and my brain isn't fully working.  I'm currently in an exhaustion haze and I can't think.  I encounter a few of those a day.  No matter how busy I am I can and will doze off.  It's sort of scary sometimes, especially when one hits when I'm driving (usually on the way to work, which I find super weird).  I guess the "exhaustion haze" part is what worries me the most.  Even with the amount of sleep I get a night it doesn't seem I should be this tired all the time. 

Maybe my point was to admit to all this so I can no longer ignore it.  Force myself to the doctor, so to speak.  I've never gotten over my childhood fear of doctors so I sometimes have to play little games with myself to make myself go.  You don't even want to know what I have to do to make myself go when I know there will be blood drawn.  *Shivers*