Still at a loss

You know how they say that at about day 3 it's the hardest and/or most painful.  It's true.  I know most of the time when you hear those type of words it's in referral to working out or an injury or whatnot.  It, also, seems to refer to heartache as well.  So far today has been the hardest. 

I've been struggling since leaving for work this morning to not lose it.  I've been totally sick to my stomach and have been since before getting out of bed.  Well, in truth, I've been sick to my stomach since the shit started hitting the fan Friday night.  The severity of it comes and goes and so far today is one of those days I'm just praying that I don't ralph all over my desk. 

Yesterday I held it together until on the way home and then the sadness hit HARD.  By the time I got off the phone with Will I had a total melt down in the kitchen.  Since Parker & Cyrus have been through this MANY times before they seem to understand.  Remington, on the other hand, has no clue what is going on when I cry and starts acting all weird.  He's half intrigued by me & half scared to death.  He doesn't get that all I need is a big furry hug so he's very standoffish when I try for one when he crawls into my lap to investigate. 

Saturday I was a mess after it happened & for a while after but once I made up my mind to pull myself together and go to my BFF's family Easter dinner I was "fine".  I may have been in a state of shock since then, maybe it's starting to wear off.


I don't think it helped that Will was calling last night to let me know he moved his stuff out of our storage & to see if today would be a good day to talk about the things that we still need to settle.  Maybe that's why I'm in such a state today.  Tonight will not be fun.  It will be painful.  It will be sad.  It will no doubt be hard. 

Last night I made a list of things we have to go over and it seems small considering we were together for 2 years and lived together for over a year.  Then, at the same time, it seems like a long list.  It's the longest list I've made (mentally or physically) after a break up... unless you count my divorce but I'm not, so you shouldn't either.

I haven't really slept since the 2 hour nap I took Friday night after work.  Since then it's been dosing off spells and restless bouts of sleep.  I don't see that changing anytime soon. 

We're trying to work it out that Will gets his most of his stuff tonight before I get home and he'll help me move my stuff out of storage back into the apartment tomorrow night since it won't fit in my car.  Hopefully, between tonight and tomorrow we can get things worked out and...finished, I guess. 

The conversation we're going to have tonight isn't one I want to have over the phone but it's the way it's going to work out.  I can't leave it another night, there's too much uncertainty & worry to carry another 24 hours.